Reflections

Yesterday was Easter, the highlight of the Christian year. Since I have only been ordained a little more than ten years and since my years as an installed pastor were spent as an associate, I have never preached the Easter sermon before yesterday. I was so excited to share the good news that I could hardly wait!!!! I may never get to make the "He is risen" proclamation again. I wanted everyone to know how that knowledge guides and informs my life! It was a glorious day!!

Our grands around the corner have gone to Mississippi to spend time with their other grandparents and our grands from North Carolina don't arrive until tomorrow. We didn't dye or hide eggs, we didn't buy candy and we didn't have a big Easter dinner. Instead, we napped off and on all afternoon and Tommy came about seven for supper. We cooked steak and baked potato and I made lemon icebox pie for dessert. It was quiet and easy. But I missed family!!

Tommy took the week off to refinish the floors in their den and hall. Times like this I wish I had the energy I used to have so I could help him. He did say that I could come with a dust rag and help get up the fine film the sanding leaves on everything.

The NCAA Basketball Championship is being played tonight. Who would have thought it would have been Butler vs. Duke? Butler has been one of those "in the wings" teams, biding their time until they made it all the way? The tournament games have been interesting to watch, though the SEC imploded. As much as I love college basketball, I do not believe in "anything goes" to make a winning team and I suspect two coaches I will not name, are guilty of winning above all else. May the best team win!

Our dogwood in the front is in full bloom. It will be a welcoming sight when Marty and Kevin drive up tomorrow--so will the purple weeds. We learned last Friday that our yard man has gotten out of the yard business and we missed the letter. Now we're in the process of trying to find a new person. Last week I bought new yard toys so hope the yard can be cut so the children can play outside.

Easter brings excitement, Spring brings beauty and being with our family is best of all!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

Focus

Yesterday was Palm Sunday, the beginning of Holy Week. It was a dreary, rainy, chilly day, but inside the church there was warmth and excitement. Children processing with palm branches has a way of making folks smile. The organist and the choir outdid themselves! After the service lunch was served and the children had their annual egg hunt, in spite of the rain. Things are not always what they seem. Had the focus been on the weather, the mood would have been as dreary as it was, but we were focused on worship, the church family being together and the anticipation of Easter.

Last week I spent much time deep in thought--reading the Scripture and praying for direction. I thought about the humble beginnings of Jesus and the astounding fact that just weeks ago we focused upon a baby, knowing and proclaiming him King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I focused on the rejection he suffered during his life, the unbelief of the people he came to save, the utter disregard as people thumbed their noses at God. What had happened to "I will be your God. You will be my people?" How could they have forgotten? Would I have forgotten? When Jesus made the Triumphant Entry into Jerusalem, if we didn't know the rest of the story, we would think that respect and honor for Jesus was beginning to change. But, this procession initiated the worst week of Jesus' life; the rejection increased, even to include some of his closest associates; and the week ended with the crucifixion and burial of Jesus. How quickly the focus changes!

I wonder how I would have reacted if I had been one of the palm wavers, one of those shouting "Blessed be the king who comes in the name of the Lord." Would I have seen what was coming or would I have thought that Jesus was finally getting the honor he deserved? Hindsight informs me and I know how necessary the events of this week were, but knowing why Jesus had to suffer and why he died don't make the thoughts any more pleasant!

It's necessary to focus on Jesus--his identity, his character, his works. It's necessary to focus on ourselves--who we are without Jesus, our characters, our lives. Then, focus on the grace of God that took his perfect, sinless son and used that grace to transform us into children of God. It is truly amazing!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

Share with us . . .

There is a big smile on my face and a song in my heart! We learned from the doctor yesterday that the scans look better than the ones taken six months ago and that the cancer has decreased by about 25%. Dr. Reed wanted to put me on the current chemo regimen almost two years ago, but I didn't fit the protocol and my insurance wouldn't pay for it. Last fall he put an insurance "expert" in their office to work on it, and I got approved. There will be no rest right now. Since it's working, we keep on treating. Thus far, fatigue and bone pain in my back are the side effects I experience and I figure I can rest when need be and heat and Tylenol (or something stronger) can help with the other. I start a new round of treatments next Friday and pray without ceasing, thanking God for His abundant provisions and that the smile and the song may always be seen and heard no matter what the news!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaregt

March Madness Has Begun . . .

and our Bulldogs got snubbed. After playing the number two team in the country down to the wire in the SEC Tournament Championship and losing in overtime by two, the "committee" in its infinite wisdom didn't think the Dawgs deserved a bid. I don't presume to understand all the factors they use to make their choices. I just know that there were lots of disappointed folks when the announcement was made. They got a number 1 seed in the NIT, won their first game and play North Carolina on Saturday. Go Dawgs!!! Wish we could be there.

Colin and family survived his weekend stay in the hospital and they are fine except for a couple of irritating complications caused by an anitibiotic he didn't need; his getting too accustomed to sleeping in Marty's arms against her chest; and a newfound fear of the doctor. Marty said today that she had planned some much needed and wanted one on one time with Christopher, but Colin wants to be held and Christopher kept telling her to put Colin in his bed. They are a busy bunch, but well and that makes us all happy.

Tonight we went to Wednesday night supper at Humboldt and had a good time visiting and eating hamburgers and hot dogs the men had grilled and strawberry shortcake for dessert. I had commited to lead a follow up session for small group leaders at 1st church, Jackson so had to leave supper to get back here by seven. It was really encouraging to get positive feedback and to get some better idea of how things were going for them. Small group ministry is essential, I believe, for the spiritual growth of the church and the spiritual growth in the church promotes numerical growth. I do miss active ministry!

Tomorrow is scan day. The thing I dread the most? not having coffee when I first get out of bed!!!! The doctor will see us after he has seen the results. I don't dread those visits anymore; they have gotten to be pretty routine. Okay. What next? We are hoping for a rest from treatment, but praying for healing. Sometimes it takes illness and/or disability to make us really thankful for things we have always taken for granted. I'm not sure I'll ever learn to consider fatigue when I make my list of errands or tasks to be done arount the house. At another place in our lives, we'd be on the road bright and early Saturday to drive to Starkville to the basketball game. I learned this afternoon of our friend Marty's age diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer three years ago, has signs of more cancer. You may remember praying for her. She has two pre-school little boys, is a physicist for NASA, has campaigned tirelessly for breast cancer awareness and is a super friend. We will prayerfully await results of her scans as well. If there is a "why question" forming in my mind, it would be why I continue to be blessed with more time and she is faced with more illness and treatment. I think on the goodness of God and know that we are shaped by the happenings in our lives. We may react or we may respond with trust. It is my prayer that both in my life and in Susan's that God will be glorified!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

This n' That

We said goodbye to an old friend this week. One of my favorite foods is popcorn--not just any popcorn, but the kind popped in a popper that sits in a hot plate type heat source, not the fancy new types of poppers or the microwave, though I don't turn much down. Tom sent me a popcorn popper from the commissary in 1967 when he was in Vietnam and we've used it ever since. Thursday I got it off the shelf to make an afternoon snack, heated the oil (so I thought), added the popcorn and it just sat there. I tried replugging; I tried other plugs; nothing worked. Upon investigating the coils, I discovered a broken one and I knew it was time to say "goodbye."
I wonder how much it has popped in all these years. It was older than my children and it triggers lots of memories. The heating unit is gone, but I kept the pot. They just don't make things the way they used to.

Colin has a fever and we're waiting to get the report on this morning's visit to the doctor. They took him yesterday, some tests were run and they were to return today for results. We don't like for our children to be sick at any age, but running a fever of unknown causes at six weeks old makes parents--and grandparents--concerned. I'll be glad to get an update today!! Big brother was sick last week, but the two don't seem to be related.

Yesterday a friend took me to Corinth for what I think was the last treatment in this series. Thursday we go to Memphis for scans and follow up with the oncologist. The new drug has been effective and none of the wierd side effects have been present or visible. It was the chemo drug that caused any problems suffered. We are, of course, hoping for a period of rest before I need more treatment. Chemo effects are cumulative and I can just hear my bone marrow begging not to send it any more just yet.

Tom has had good days and bad days this week. Wednesday, he got shakier and shakier as the day got older. He did go to church supper and Bible study, but it was noticeable that he was nervous. Only when I fixed his pills for the next day, did I realize I had forgotten to give him his afternoon meds. Dumb me! The problem was all my fault. He's doing well with therapy and the blood pressure is pretty consistent. That's good news.

Last night we went to Tommy and Liz's to visit and eat supper. Tom had not been to their house since we celebrated Mer's birthday on December 21. I don't know which he enjoyed more, being with them and playing with the little girls or the wonderful dinner Tommy concocted. Tommy and I had just been talking about veal parmesan and how almost impossible it is to find veal locally. So, he took a whole pork loin, sliced off four chops, pounded them thin, breaded them thin and pan sauteed them. In a pasta dish he put a serving of fettucine, a layer of alfredo sauce, the pork, covered that with a thick tomato sauce, topped with grated cheese. He makes his own sauces and that, of course, determines the taste of the dish. We had enough left to bring home for another meal. Talk about good!

During the past week I began a personal study in The Good and Beautiful God, a book by James Bryan Smith to teach us how to become more Christlike. He says: The number one enemy of Christian spiritual formation today is exhaustion, then goes on to say, We are living beyond our means, both financially and physically. Lately, I've been in the doldrums--tired most of the time, in a rut spiritually, basically blue and not satisfied with much. I read Smith's words, coming face to face, with the reality that I am exhausted, for good reason, but not doing much about it, thus the spiritual rut. I keep thinking that I'm "super woman" and can do all the things I've always done and I'm frustrated when I can't. I sleep more and it helps less. It's just easier to sleep than to think sometimes. Lots of medical bills have been coming in, to say nothing of the weekly checks I write for all the sitter help we have. I see many dollars going out that are not matched by what comes in. That can be frustrating, as well as causing mental exhaustion. Smith asks how the Christian fellowship or community has acted in your life and later the work of the Holy Spirit is manifest in the area of community? (That is my interpretation of those two questions.)

My answer came this way: Friends made in the fellowship of the Church are the most meaningful because for the bond shared. Some of those friendships are deeper than others for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is prayer partnership. These friendships often have been cultivated over many years; others have a shorter duration. This past week two such friends called to check on us. One even commented that in her prayer time that morning, she felt moved to call--the Holy Spirit was nudging. Each friend brought healing to my hurting heart and encouraged me in both spoken and unspoken words. The fatigue improved and my spirits lifted. The point? Becoming more Christlike doesn't just happen. We need to be actively involved in the process and to do that we must be fully rested and alert to those through whom the Holy Spirit works. In my case, the two friends were used. Those wake up calls were even inspiration for tomorrow's sermon.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

Go Dawgs!

It's one of my favorite times of year--final games before the conference championships. Our Mississippi State Bulldogs, both men and women, have played well this year. They haven't been outstanding as teams, but individuals have accomplished some personal bests. Jarvis Varnardo is the all time leading shot blocker in NCAA history--a nice record for a nice young man. Another player has passed a three point shot record in the SEC. The MSU women played Georgia tonight and beat them.

Yesterday I went to Memphis to a Committee on Ministry meeting that lasted five and a half hours. Fortunately, the interviews and issues were all different and the meeting never got boring. I learned about the ministry of an African American Presbyterian Church in Memphis that has an amazing, outstanding minsitry to the poor. The unfortunate thing, it seemed to me, is that there has been some difference of opinion as to what the Church really is. We tend to want all the i's dotted and t's crossed rather than to minister in the name of Christ to those who will perish without him. I don't pretend to know the answers to the church's problems, but I do know we need to be the Church and take the gospel to the people, not expect the people to come to us; we need to practice what we preach; we need to let the main thing be the main thing!

We got confirmation this week from Tom's brother and his wife that the brother has Parkinson's Disease. We have discussed symptoms and the possibilities of David having it for a long time, but in the last few months, I have talked with them more than ususal because of Tom's circumstances. David is four years younger than Tom; spent most of his adult life as an Army doctor, but was never in a combat zone. He and I have discussed exposure to chemicals as a possible contributing factor to Tom's illness. Currently, David is the Director of Family Medicine for the State of Virginia and has access to some really good medical opninions and facilities. We are not happy with his diagnosis, but are happy to know the root of some of the difficulties he's experienced lately. Who knows? This may be random and there could be some connection with both brothers having the same illness and the similarities between them.

This past week Tom went to Wednesday night supper at Humboldt with me. He was so happy to be able to go!! Our hearts were warmed by the outpouring of love expressed by so many. I'm hoping that he'll get to go to church on Sunday. I'm also hoping that I'll be able to stand up straight. I awakened this morning with bone pain in my lower back and have sat all day with heat on it. That helps, as does pain medication. That's the worst side effect of the chemo!

We continue to pray for friends who are battling serious illnesses; for our church at Humboldt to be led to the pastor God has for them and for them to find themselves ready to receive that special someone. We are never too old, nor should we ever be so satisfied with our lives and our traditions that we quit seeking the will of God in our individual lives and in our lives in the community we call our church. God gives us opportunity to partner with Him through prayer and obedience to Him.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

Random Thoughts



The week began with an impromptu visit to the doctor. Tom was having too many dizzy spells in the mornings and his blood pressure was running too low, too consistently. A slight change was made in his medications and I have thought the problem was a bit better. He had every intention to go to church with me today, but didn't feel like it this morning. The sitter told me this afternoon that he was dizzy several times while I was gone. This afternoon he's been fine.

I had a treatment Friday--no big deal, but I did learn that I was beginning the sixth round in this set of treatments. That's good to know--I was a little confused beause several things have made the schedule inonsistent. At the end of these I'll go for scans etc. and see just how effective the treatments have been.


When I got home from church Kia, daytime sitter, and Tom said Liz had called to see if we wanted some barbeque and baked beans for lunch. I never turn down Tommy's barbeque! He has perfected his technique and it is delicious. I had a cabbage so I made slaw to send home with Liz when she brought the meat and beans. So good. After a quick nap I called Sarah and told her and Drew to come on down to play. It was a beautiful afternoon to play outside. They came, played in the back for a while, then came in to play board games and have a snack. We both loved watching them sit on the floor, eat popcorn and giggle. They got a kick out playing a game that is "older than dirt." Funny how simple things can be so enjoyable--a simple game for them to play and a simple scene of grandparents watching grandchildren.

Bad weather and another week when I was under the weather caused a delay in our Lenten sermons. I spent many hours last week reading, researching and meditating over the Scripture of today. I am more convinced than ever that more attention needs to be paid to Old Testament scriptures if we are to comprehend the New. It hasn't been too long since the Church observed Advent, a time when I feel overwhelmed with the knowledge that such a simple, precious baby could be the almighty Son of God. He was born a humble birth to a humble family and at the same time was God Incarnate. Now, we have begun our observation of Lent and focus attention on the suffering servant, the mighty one who gave his all for me. The very thought often leads me to tears. What? He did that for me? God so loved the world; God so loved me. The love and compassion Jesus has for the world is just as personal. Jesus loves me; Jesus cares for me.

Amazing Grace!
Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

Time Flew

Where has the week gone? It wasn't full of errands or chores, but there have been preparations to make. We didn't do much more for Valentine's Day than wish each other a happy one--didn't even see the grandchildren. Monday, it snowed all day, but we managed to make it to a doctor's appointment, make a quick stop at the grocery store and get ice cream at DQ. Slippery roads cancelled Session that night. By Wenesday the ice and snow was melted enough for us to have church supper. I know people from colder regions think that we are real wimps when it comes to ice and snow, but we're really not equipped to manage. Thursday night I led a training for small group leaders at 1st Church, Jackson. Then, of course, tomorrow's sermon had to be prepared.

This winter I've been preaching the gospel passages in cycle C of the Lectionary, but got out of sync when we missed worship once because of bad weather and another when I had the flu or whatever it was. I should be at the beginning of the passages focusing on Lent, but instead I'm at Luke 5:1-11, Luke's account of the calling of the first disciples and the big catch of fish. All four gospel writers tell of the calling of the disciples, but each in a slightly different way. Only Luke ties that with the big catch of fish that weighed down the nets and the two boats where they dumped them. I have been fascinated with the passage and the extraordinary message it presents. Simon Peter never fails to allow us to identify with him and I'm prompted to examine myself and ask forgiveness for my pride, impetuousity, and failures. Simon responds to Jesus' instruction with a complaint before he obeys. He tells Jesus when he is told to put the nets out in the deep water that they've already tried that, but he'll do it anyway. The nets fill to overflowing. Did Simon Peter suddenly learn a new casting technique? Was his skill so improved? Neither. He was successful in his endeavor because of his obedience to Jesus. It goes with the saying: Jesus doesn't call the equipped. He equips the called. There's so much more; so much food for thought in the coming days.

Tom's progress continues, but so does his lowered blood pressure. Some mornings he seems to be too weak to put one foot in front of the other, but as the day goes one, he gains strength. He is responding well to his therapy, still eating well and "chomping at the bit" to resume his previous activities. He gets a little perturbed with me when I put my foot down!

We celebrated our 43rd anniversary this past week--truly the highlight of our week. Next week we wish Marty a Happy Birthday--thirty something or other--and also remember Colin as he turns one month. We do love February!

Jesus calls us to lay aside all that we have to follow him. He calls us to a life of obedience. In return our nets will be full to overflowing with his blessings in our lives.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

A Week of S-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g

We have more or less been celebrating Tom's homecoming for the entire week. You'll quickly learn why it was a "more or less" in a few minutes. In most aspects, Tom's improvements have been steady and just what I had hoped for. Tommy and Liz have brought supper every night and he has eaten heartedly of old favorites and tonight was treated with a Cuban beef w/ jasmine rice and black beans "first timer" from "Food and Wine" magazine. (It's great to be a guinea pig sometimes.) He seems to have a bit more strength, noticeable when he rises from his chair and a little more balance as well. Having sitters with him around the clock affords the opportunity for him to walk when he feels like practicing--that will help build both strength and balance. The down side of coming home shows itselft in his independence and stubbornness and in his gentlemanly qualities instilled in him by his mom. He thinks that just because he is home, he can do all the chores that he formerly did--like gather the trash and put out the garbage--not smart to go down steep steps into the garage and into the cold. I practically had to tie him down to keep him home today when I went to Corinth. And, when ladies enter or leave the room, he immediately begins to rise--exactly as Mom taught him. Sometimes what he does is scary; other times they are comical.

Saturday morning the admitting nurse from the home health agency visited, took vitals, history, etc. Right after she left, I excused myself, but before I could even stand, I lost my breakfast and could keep nothing, not even water, on my stomach until 4 the next morning. By then my sinuses were pounding and I felt really bad. Long story short: the advice nurse said for me to go to Corinth Monday for IV fluids, but couldn't because their roads were iced over; got prescription for the nausea; prescription for sinus infection; and slowly began a diet of saltines and Gatorade. Things are much improved! I had originally planned the sitters on a schedule that had me taking care of Tom bymyself a few hours everyday. Obviously, Saturday and Sunday I couldn't even take care of myself much less help him. The WONDERFUL new sitter would not leave our sides unless Liz or Tommy could he here to relieve her. Later in the week, we added her mother to our schedule for a few hours a day and now we have help 24/7. My little episode made me admit that it's okay to not be able to do everything and it gave me some much needed rest! God does indeed work in mysterious ways.

I had a treatment today--rather routine. The blood counts had decreased--I rather expected that they would have and the CA125 had gone up 4 points. We never life for it to increase, but it's normal for it to bounce up and down. One day I might put together essays based on infusion experiences since I had my first chemo in 1982. There was one today that was both amusing and maddening.

We are still wondering what the weather will be next. This Sunday will be the third try at preaching the sermon planned for January 31 and the second try at ordaining and/or installing elders and the second try at celebrating communion this month. Guess what's predicted for tomorrow night and Sunday--more icy/snowy conditions.

We are oh, soooooo happy to be home together. Blessings shower down on us like the precipitation we've been experiencing. God never forgets us and is ever faithful to all our needs.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

Wake the Town and Tell the People!

This morning the long awaited time came: Tommy and I went to the nursing home, picked up Tom and brought him home. Our additional new helper, Kia, was here waiting for us and they hit it off right away. Checking out of the home was painless, very quick and filled with smiles and hugs. I found Tom waiting at the nurses' station and rolled him down to his room so I could collect his belongings. I was met by the director of environmental services who said that they were getting ready to pack Tom's things and he just needed to ask a couple of questions. He said that packing, putting in the car were both part of their services. How nice! They even sent us home with a wheel chair just in case the one ordered for Tom didn't arrive today.

The only glitch in the trip home was unavoidable. As soon as my wheels started rolling Tom was telling me he wanted to stop at the Dairy Queen on the way. I noticed an unusual amount of traffic and about then my phone rang. It was Tommy, driving behind me and calling to say he had heard on the radio that there was a big wreck up ahead of us. By then I was committed and headed to DQ. As we crept ahead, I made a plan to get in and out quickly and another for an alternate route home. Problem number one: a non-functioning traffic light, but we made it. Problem number two: whatever caused the traffic light problem caused the electricity at DQ not to function either. It was sort of laughable. We took the alternate route home and Tommy made his dad a vanilla malt and all was well!

Most of Tom's day was spent curled up in his chair napping. He was a sight for sore eyes sitting across the room from me. I didn't realize just how much I had missed being at home with him. When Tommy picked up Jake from school, they dropped by to bring Tom's favorite donuts; when Liz , Sarah and Drew got out of school, they stopped and said hello; later they brought supper and the two youngest, Meredith and Elisa. Tom had seen all of the children during his time away except Elisa and it was a joy to behold when they spotted one another.

There were frustrating moments as well when he would insist he could walk to another room when he could not. It was as if he was saying: I'm home, I'll stand up when I want and don't tell me what to do. He's home, but he's not "home free," and there are still dangers of falling. I lost my patience with him more than once. I'm sure I frustrated him.

The main thing, however, is that we are home! And, oh, so grateful!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

Try, try, try again - - -

Last night I began to type and something in my computer bumped me off and everything was lost. I'm trying again even though I've already been bumped once with this try. Computers are great when everything is working properly and really frustrating when something is amiss in the system.

We are on the other side of the bad weather, trying to decide if warnings of more snow should be taken seriously. Our city/county schools have been out since last Friday and are finally going back tomorrow. City streets, for the most part are good, but the smaller back roads have been slow melting and the buses haven't been able to run. Two melting snowmen remain in our back yard, three other small ones having melted earlier in the week. The grandchildren had a great time in the snow and having no school.

The best news we have is that Tom is coming home Friday. There are pros and cons: he isn't as strong as he needs to be, but we think he may eat better at home. Tommy and I plan to pull out all the stops and feed him whatever he wants beginning with homemade biscuits and cane syrup this weekend. His balance isn't good and he needs practice walking, but he won't get that until he's home. He is not allowed to walk at the nursing home without the assistance of a therapist and has to ask for a CNA to help him any time he stands or transfers from the chair to the bed. I've always heard that "practice makes perfect" and know his walking won't improve until he does it more and more. Even the staff saw and commented on the difference in him when his medication was changed back to the original dosage. We are all excited about his coming home and pray that he will be safe and be in a continued state of improvement!

The time between December 22 when he entered the hospital with pneumonia and today when we are finalizing plans to bring him home has been fuzzy. I think some days I operated on auto-pilot, wondering, yet knowing where I'd get the energy to get through the day. There were days I feared we were facing the end of his life and then that day when I had to let go and release him to God. What a freeing experience! I didn't quit advocating for him or his particular needs, but I quit fretting and worrying about all the human elements involved. I've learned a lot. My trust in God has grown. I am not dwelling on tomorrow or how I'll handle it; I am living today with the assurance that I am not the one in control. I have learned to let Tom live with what he has just as I learned a long time ago to live with what I have--and not die from it. Together we will live, glorify God and enjoy Him forever. That's what life is about.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

They Got It Right!

All week we have been warned about severe weather that would be here by Friday (today). The forecasters said it enought that I called the cancer clinic Tuesday and moved my infusion from today to yesterday. That proved to be a good move. While I was there the nurses were busily trying to get other Friday patients in on Thursday and to reschedule appointments with the doctor from Memphis who should have been there today. Sure enough, it has been snowing steadily since early morning and the streets have been icy. Now, the forecast is that the ice/snow won't begin to thaw until Monday. Needless to say, I couldn't get to the nursing home and church in Humboldt may not happen on Sunday. Ice is the scary thing as it breaks trees and power lines. Last year just northwest of here there were disastrous ice storms, causing much damage. I remember one Christmas in Jackson, MS when the water plant froze and dinner for us was hot dogs, cooked in the living room fireplace and eaten on paper plates. I don't remember whether we ate the real deal later or not.

Tom's mental health improved after I finally got his medicine changed back to the usual dose. I believe the home asked for an increase in dosage because he sometimes is restless and won't stay still or where he is suppose to be. Is not heavy sedation the same as restraint? It is in my book! Eating and drinking are still problematic. He doesn't like the food and getting to his water isn't always easy. One of the therapists has gotten him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and an ice cream cup a couple of days and he has eaten that when served. I am trying finish up the arrangements of bringing him home, hopefully by this time next week. I need to hire at least one more sitter and rearrange some things in the house. I hope his medical condition will allow a safe transition back home with me.

Baby Colin and his mom are doing fine--great, in fact! Big brother Christopher is learning to share his mom, but probably was happier with Colin tucked away inside, instead of visible for all the world to see.

I was so saddened this week to learn of Audrey Huseman's passing. She and her husband, Ken, had the most loving relationship and he has been her faithful caregiver through thick and thin. Even before this most recent illness and before I met her in 1999, she had survived cancer and another serious illness. I believe she lived to care for Ken when he needed her and to share her love of Jesus with anyone she could. We had some good times together at Women's Retreats, going out to eat and the times Tom and I spent with them before we moved to California, just to name a few. She needed no theological degree, no special training, just her sweet presence to share her love for Jesus. There is no doubt that she is smiling now as she has met him face to face. I will miss her.

God loves you and so do I!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

What a Difference a Day Makes!

Change number one is the most exciting and memorable! Grandchild #8, son of Marty and Kevin Long was born yesterday morning at 5:23. He weighed 8 lbs. 14 oz. and was 21 1/2 inches long. Mother and baby are doing fine and were at home about 12 hours after they left for the birthing center. Oh yes, his name is Colin Henry Long--the Henry being the middle name of his great granddad, his grand dad and his uncle.

The other change includes the frustration and my taking charge. If you know me, you know I am not an aggressive person, but I do have opinions and have learned to take charge when people I love are involved. There are some other times I take charge, but are not pertinent to these comments.

Let me share our days back at the nursing home. Since Tom returned there last Monday, his condition has gone down hill. Even though I do understand the whys and wherefores of their rules and appreciate the care he is receiving there, I am a bit frustrated. When he checked out of the hospital, Tom was walking practically unassisted, and doing well in that department. When he returned to the nursing home, he was back to monitors to keep him in bed or the wheelchair. There aren't enough helpers to help him walk, I cannot be there all the time, nor am I strong enough to balance him and that is frustrating. A medication change was made and he began to be lethargic, have low blood pressure consistency and sleep a lot. I checked on the medication and what I read confirmed my suspicions--too much medication. This morning I called the nursing home and requested they withhold the noon dose until I could consult with the doctor. They agreed to do that much. Neither two calls I made, nor one from the nurse to the doctor's office have had results. What a frustration!! I'll have to call the facility again in the morning and make the same request before I go to plan B.

The pluses of today's changes are two: 1. Cutting back the medication has made visible changes in Tom--wasn't as sleepy; was responsive; seemed stronger; and his talking made more sense. 2. Dellora brought someone for me to interview as an addition helper at home. She is quite acceptable and comes with lots of experience, her latest job being with a couple, both of whom have Alzheimer's and one of them had also had a stroke. She's ready to start when Tom is dis-charged.

It wasn't easy, but I finally was able to release Tom to God yesterday. How well I remember visiting in a Trauma ICU w/ the family of a man who had been hit by a car! There was no medical hope for the man and his wife at by his bed, begging him to hold on and to try to make it. She kept saying over and over,"I can't live without you." The fact of the matter is that had he lived, he would have been nonfuctioning. One of the nurses spoke up and told the wife that she had to release him, to give him permission to relax and let go. The wife finally did that and the man died as peacefully as he could. When my mother's time came, one of the nurses in the facility where she was said virtually the same to me: give your mother permission to let go and reassure her that you will be fine. She knew about my cancer and Tom's Parkinson's and believed we needed her to help take care of us, even though she was 97 and had been mostly bedridden for three or four years. I remember that she asked me if I was sure and then said, "Okay." She died three days later. I'm not ready to say goodbye to Tom, but I have truly put him in God's hands. I have quit telling God how to fix things. After all God knows best!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

The first steps have been taken to set up help for Tom when he comes home. Dellora and I came up with a schedule the other day and we will interview a person tomorrow--if Tommy is available. We are all anxious to get Tom home, thinking that being in his own surroundings will help him, but he can't come until the help is in place. I had hoped everything would be ready by this weekend, but the doctor hasn't given us discharge orders and they probably couldn't be ready at least until Monday.

It is difficult to understand what he says and he has a hard time following simple instructions. His body is willing and he has the strength to do most of what it takes to get up from a sitting position, but he has trouble getting his legs to do what he hears in his brain. There is a real disconnect in that area. The frustration that I feel sometimes tends to make me impatient with him. He is the love of my life, yet you might doubt it if you witnessed my impatience.

I learned today when I went to a group occupational therapy session that there is some virus going around the nursing home. The therapists kept going around the room with sanitizer for hands and one told me that I needed to careful and not stay too long. That, too, is frustrating. I don't want to have to wonder about my own condition--general fatigue and tired legs are enough!

We trust God to hold us in his strong right hand and that he will go before us in this journey. Trusting and believing relieve the frustration and help as decisions are made.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

If I can keep my eyes open and my focus in tact I'll update you. Tom was declared ready to leave the hospital and ineligible to move to the hospital's therapy floor. Whoever evaluated him did not think he was strong enough to endure the regimen. That meant a move back to the nursing home at least until I can get things set up here for him. I arrived at the hospital about 9 this morning and waited throughout the day for first one, and then another, to come tell us where to step next. Finally we got away about 5:30 this afternoon--fortunately earlier than his initial admission. We ate a hamburger together and I came home. I don't mind telling you that I'm a little beat. You know you are tired when you can go to sleep on a two seater sofa with your head resting on a towel on a narrow, hard armrest.

Tom's strength has improved. When I got there this morning he was walking around the halls with the therapist--no walker, just the strap the therapist uses to steady him if needed. Unfor-
tunately, his confusion has increased and there are times it's difficult to know how to repond to him. I get impatient when he locks his mind around something and I can't make him understand. Last night I thought I was going to have to spend the night because he was set on coming home. About 8:30 he awoke from a nap and said that I needed to quit doing what I was doing. I aksed what he meant and he said I needed to come home and rest. I left in a hurry so he wouldn't change his mind.

Please pray with me that arrangements can be made quickly so that he can once again change his residence.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

Tonight brings two reports and while there are still unknowns, I believe the reports are good. Tom's blood pressure has improved, his color is better, the fluids have really helped and there is no sign of pneumonia. The hospitalist came by tonight and said that medically he is ready to be discharged. Now we are waiting on a physician to evaluate Tom to see if he meets the criteria to receive therapy in the hospital and don't know if the weekend interferes with that process. He does not want to return to the nursing home and I don't want to move him back and forth.

I know of some older adult ministries who include in their outreach advocating for people in nursing homes who have no one else to speak up on their behalf. That is so important to have a person check to see if medications are distributed correctly and in a timely fashion--especially when timing matters. Patients need to be offered water or other fluids throughout the day so they will not become dehydrated. For a time Tom could only have thickened liquids, was not allowed to get up unassisted, but the liquids were across the room. There are privacy issues, but there are ways to work on those. As group advocacy, we need to impress upon the administration that doctors get a schedule for meds to meet the needs of the patient, not for the convenience of staff and there is a great need to keep hospitals from discharging older patients to a facility other than home late in the afternoon or night. They often can't the medication needed that late and there is a tendency for older folks and/or those who have cognitive impairment or illnesses such as Parkinson's affected by stress to be confused. (sorry for the complicated sentence) If anyone out there knows how to start an advocacy group that would address any of these issues let me hear from you.

Mine is the other report. A friend took me to Corinth for labs, to see the doctor and for a treatment today. My CA125 taken two weeks ago has gone down 3.5 points and it is now below 20. My current doctor wants it under 35, but Dr. Scudder at UCD wanted it under 20--glad to know both would approve. Next treatment date is in two weeks and I expect everything to be just fine.

I had opportunity today in the infusion room to share what I believe to two different people--one of the oncology nurses and another patient who sat by me for a few minutes. God is in charge and His grace is sufficient. The nurse agreed wholeheartedly; don't know about the other person, but at least I was able to tell her about hope and the Hope.

Thanks for keeping up!
Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

Here's what's happening now. We had a good visit with the neurologist yesterday, though he did answer questions in the complete manner I would have liked. It was obvious that one of his continuing concerns is the loss of weight. He asked if we had considered in-house therapy where Tom would have remained in the hospital and received his PT there. I said, "Yes, we did, but was told by the social worker that Tom didn't qualify and that was the end of that." The doctor wanted the primary care doctor to see Tom, made an appointment for him to be seen this morning and another appointment for him to evaluated by a doctor who would tell us whether of not Tom qualifies to receive his therapy in the hospital.

Dellora, my precious friend and helper came again today to help me get to the medical clinic. When Tom's blood pressure was taken both numbers were under 100. He was admitted to the hospital immediately so he could get fluids and be monitored more closely. He is on a heart monitor and his caloric intake is being recorded--not sure how that is done. I'm also not sure how long he'll be there and we're back to wondering if he'll recover enough to come home. He has not been resting/sleeping well at the nursing home, so the hospital will be an improvement.

I've learned not to project what tomorrow will be like and to be prepared for anything. We have done our share of wilderness wanderings, but I know about those wanderings that we never wander alone, nor does making it through the wilderness depend on us, but on God's faithfulness. He never leaves us to figure things out; He never leaves us without exactly the provision we need for that step. Maybe you know that song whose lyrics say: "I do not know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future." That first impressed me in the early eighties with my first bout with cancer and recite it to myself more and more often these days.

I close with two "funnies"--at least they were to me. Tom's nursing home roommate asked Tom when we went to meet him before Tom changed rooms, if he was a Bible reader. Tom replied that he was. One day I was sitting in the room, Tom was napping and the man asked me if I read the Bible. With a very straight face, I replied, "Sometimes." Only later did I tell him that I am a minister. (I'm not sure the denomiation of his choice approves.) Then today when the nurse was asking a gazillion questions, she asked if a minister would be visiting Tom, I said: "Everyday." A little laughter never hurts even when you're laughing at yourself.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaregt

Sadness is my companion, but it is not in charge! The fear has lessened--what I feared is becoming reality. It is sad to observe illness of any kind in the person you love and to whom you are commited. Today I sat with Tom as he talked to me about things he either only imagined, or he had dreamed, but I thought to myself, "At least he is not in pain." That's a good thing.

Yesterday was a pretty good day with conversations that made sense and not much agitation on Tom's part. I was able to get him an appointment next week to see the neurologist and that's a good thing. I'm a bit concerned with what he might tell me.

There is a certain sadness that we have not been able to do the things we dreamed and planned to do in our retirement. We're even sad we are retired! We never made it to Scotland; Tom never got to show me Munich where he lived almost three years on active duty; we cannot resume our treks to Starkeville to basketball games; we have been limited by illness and treatment.

But there are good things--part of our family around the corner and another part a phone call away. We had family who came for a few days the early part of the week, friends from Mississippi who come regularly, friends who have come from California and others who keep up with the modern technology we have. We have a wonderful church family in Humboldt who are really supportive and friends in the church in town who support us as well.

Today I was chosen to take Jacob to audition for All-West Tennessee Middle School Band. He's in seventh grade, has been playing alto sax about a year and a half and plays extremely well for his age. His mom, dad and I tried to encourage him with stories of our band years and competitions. (Of course, their memories are a bit fresher than mine.) Our stories may not have helped him much, but we sure did have fun talking about them. We'll know by tomorrow how he did in the auditions.

Thursday and Friday nights I spent with Tommy, Liz and children. I went over Thursday to watch the NCAA Football Championship and didn't want to come home late or in the extreme cold. The children were excited I was spending the night--funny how little things excite children. It was so much fun to be with them that I went back last night. Honestly, I was glad not to be by myself. When I told Tom, he thought it was a good thing. It was also a good thing for the SEC to bring home another championship, though I thought we'd choke cheering: "Roll Tide."

Even on Tom's worse days he knows me and tells me that he loves me. He doesn't have to tell me; I can feel it when I hold his hand and I can see it in his eyes. He looks like an old man--much like his Dad did when he died at 93. He looks weak and is very thin--down to 120 pounds. I won't remember him this way. I will remember the strong, handsome, competent, caring man I know and love. That comes from the inside and cannot be taken away--a good thing indeed.

Have a good day of worship tomorrow. God alone is worthy of our praise.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

The sadness and fear are still with me. However, there have been several encouraging things to happen in the past 24 hours. After I posted last night I went to bed and read from Magnificent Prayer the words for the day. The editor/compiler of the book, Nick Harrison, quotes A.T. Pierson who said: All practical power over sin . . . depends on maintaining closet communion. Those who abide in the secret place with God show themselves mighty to conquer evil, and strong to work and to war for God. They are seers who read His secrets; they know His will; they are the meek whom He guides in Judgment and teaches His way. They are His prophets who speak for Him to others, and even forecast things to come. They watch the signs of the times and descern His tokens and read His signal.

Harrison commments and says: This definition of a pray-er finds many of us falling short. We possess little power because we pray so little. The power we possess as Christians will be in proportion to our communion with God. Weak Christians are often weak because they don't spend time with the source of strength.

Today, cast all your weakness on Him. Claim His strength as your own. He who lives in you can face anything on today's agenda. Watch, and He will guide you with His eye.

Reading that was what I needed! I went to sleep with a picture of Jesus with Tom in His arms and with me being held in God's hands. It made today easier, keeping that thought that Christ could/would face whatever there was in my day's agenda--but still there is sadness and fear. I learned upon arriving at the nursing home that Tom had been awake a good bit of the night and that he wandered and looked for me. They have all kinds of monitors to alert the staff when he gets up as they don't want him getting up without assistance. He has been resistant to that instruction! Today when I was helping him to the sink to wash his hands he began to sway and fall toward me. Fortunately we had someone visiting who could push the call button for help.

He continues to be confused, a problem I believe would get better if he were home with me. The flip side is he's not strong enough to come home and I have a growing fear that he will not regain enough strength to do so.

Two encouraging things were observed. I went to PT with him and watched him really try to do the things they asked of him. Shortly after his workout, a friend brought Meredith (four years old) to see him. What a sweet smile spread across his face when he saw her. It was the most alert I saw him all day. Her visit and her hugs will be the best medicine of the day.

Schools are closed for tomorrow because of a predicted winter storm. That may mean that it will be difficult for me to get to the nursing home. Tommy was here when I got home from church tonight. He had wrapped our faucets and closed up a door that goes under the house. I know I will be glad he did!

Stay warm.
Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

Sadness and fear have overtaken my emotions today. My family who has been here since Sunday said goodbye tonight because they leave for Memphis early in the morning to fly home. Julia and I have been close since we were little girls and I love her like a sister. Her husband is not in the best of health, her mother is almost 91 and in a retirement home, but she left them to come see about me. Her youngest brother and his wife came too--if fact, he made all the arrangements for the trip. The minute they arrived at the nursing home, I relaxed. The power of their presence has helped so much! We were able to enjoy some good family time with Tommy, Liz and children and thought we might have to pack Meredith up and send them home with my cousin Snookie. I hated to say goodbye to them!!

Tom moved to a new room this morning in order to accommodate a husband and wife couple who wanted to share a room. He agreed to move because he knew how we would want the same consideration. He has a nice man for a roommate and I think they will get along well. This was another "tired day" for him and he slept a good bit of the afternoon after coming from therapy. He looks so weak and just plain sick. I'm afraid he'll never leave where he is. One day he was pushing, trying to do his out patient therapy so he'd improve his strength, we were looking forward to Christmas with grandchildren, and the next day he is a very sick man. I never know what to expect when I arrive at the nursing home. This morning he was a little testy with me for a few minutes because he didn't think I had been there in two days and he had been looking for me. I am sad to be alone again, sad about losing Tom and fearful that it could be soon.

Our weather is bitterly cold and snow is predicted after midnight tomorrow and through Thursday. We begin Wednesday suppers and program at 1st Presbyterian, Humboldt this week and I'm beginning officer training. I'm hoping any precipitation will hold off until we finish up tomorrow night and I'm home. If the streets and roads are bad Thursday and Friday, I may get in some extra sleep. That could help put a different perspective on both my sadness and my fear.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret