Weariness and Strength
They are at opposite ends of the spectrum. More times than not waves of wearniness overcome me. I'm sitting, perfectly still and quiet, like a peaceful deserted beach when a wave of wearniness rolls over me as the tide overtaking the beach. I wonder how I can walk to the car, much less get up and repeat this tiring process another day. I come home to a messy house, dropping mail, my purse and coat wherever there's an empty spot. The Christmas wreath is still on the front, Christmas dishes are stacked on the dining room table waiting to be put away, the morning coffee mug sits on the counter. I remember. Major on the majors. There is so much to do and I'm torn between being at the hospital with Tom, keeping up with daily chores like laundry, bills, etc. and resting. Yesterday, late in the afternoon, just when I thought I'd scream if Tom called me one more time, I heard a voice in my head say, My strength is made perfect in your weakness. (Tom calls my name, sometimes because he just wants to know I'm there, sometimes to tell me something. His speech has deteriorated so that I have to get in his face and strain to understand what he's saying. It's frustrating for us both.) God's word came through and I knew I was trying too much on my own. I have to rely on God's strength.
So, this morning, after a good night's sleep I'm ready to shower, dress and head to the hospital.
I've had a cup of tea--simply because my coffee pot won't come on again--Tommy's already fixed it once--I'll fix myself breakfast and swallow one last pill. When I come home tonight I'll think about chores. Marty and her boys are coming Tuesday and if the remaining Christmas boxes are not taken to the attic, they'll have nowhere to sleep.
I have begun the oral chemo regimen. The first day I took the capsule, I got nauseated late in the day. Though I hate to take them, I took a pill for nausea. The next day I had to force myself to take that day's capsule because I didn't want to repeat the nausea. So far the extreme fatigue and shortness of breath have not returned. We are praying that once a day will be kinder to my body than an infusion every two weeks. God's strength is a must.
Yesterday was a beautiful day--sunshine and mid-sixties. The best part was the visit of two Mississippi friends. Tom was so glad to see them and really perked up when he heard their voices and saw them. Our sitter stayed with him while we went out to lunch together. Of course, there was much talk about Tom, etc., but also there was talk of children, grandchildren, things "back home" and shared memories. Their visit made the day--or the week--or month. It was a blessing, indeed!
Thank you, faithful friends, for keeping up and for your prayers.