Fall in the South continues to be spectacular. That's not exaggeration! The termperatures are milder, there is less humidity and the leaves are turning and falling. Our favorite college football team did well on Saturday--they didn't play. The children came Saturday to play in the yard while we cooked hamburgers and hotdogs on the grill. Even the Farmers' Market has taken a Fall decor with lots of mums, pumpkins, gourds and greens for sale. I was happy to find a few tomatoes and an abundance of Mississippi sweet potatoes. I tried a new recipe: oven fried sweet potatoes with basil salt and a garlic mayonnaise dipping sauce. Yum, yum! Fall, family, food are ingredients for a fun weekend.
Tom and I both visited our primary care physician Thursday--just a regular check-up, but also to report the progress on finding the cause of Tom's headaches, the treatment, the results of his last trip to the neurologist. We came away with a bag full of samples of another medication he is to try for the anxiety and nervousness. Maybe we're on to something. Friday we went to Corinth to see the oncologist and thought the visit went well. It seems that the chemo drug I'm on now causes elevation of the CA125 at first, before it begins to drop and/or level out. My white count is "on the cusp," he said, and he lifted some of the precautions I've been following for the last three weeks--making the tomatoes I found even more welcome. Treatment is this Friday, with another scheduled the first Friday in November, followed by scans. We'll know more then.
It's hard not knowing. I like to know what will happen tomorrow, the next day and the next. I can recount many times when I've been reluctant to obey the leading of the Holy Spirit, when I have really wanted to tell God that I'd like to make decisions on my own, 'cause "I know better." Some of those times I did my thing, didn't listen and always those were bad decisions--big mistakes. When I've listened, when I've been obedient, God has blessed more than I could even imagine He would have. Why, then, do I wonder about tomorrow? Why can't I completely trust God with tomorrow? I call it "human nature," all the time knowing I don't want to be defined by that nature, but by the new person I became in Christ years ago. It's His nature that prompts obedience and provides trust. God is in charge of tomorrow. I don't need to know what will happen.
Incurable cancer plays with your mind, your soul, not to mention what it does to your body. It gives you opportunity to step back, review your life and consider all the things you want to accomplish before you die. It helps you not take people for granted. You value every minute you spend with those you love; you don't put off until tomorrow the things you should do or say today. Those are good things. But, there are ups and downs. Beginning this current round of chemo started a down turn. It was the not knowing, the lapse in trust, the wanting to be in charge. All of us have areas in our lives that need to be committed completely to God. No, all of us need to commit our lives completely to God--not just areas. Then we need to let go and trust Him. God's grace is sufficient for all our needs.