Some days . . .
*are too dull and monotonous to notice.
*getting out of bed is a struggle.
*the smile is forced.
*I actually rejoice in the presence of God.
Honestly, I am sick to death of fatigue! I am tired of being confined! I miss seeing friends! I miss being able to worship with others!
Some have such kind, encouraging words to say about how "I handle" things. The reality is I can't "handle" anything. I have to pray constantly to accept and be patient. Trust in God is not the issue. How could I not trust the amazing I AM? God's faithfulness is most abundant, very real. I just get bogged down with the monotony, the fatigue, the blah, the confinement.
This past week, more than ever, I have focused on God's presence. I have prayed for balance, for patience and to accept circumstances. On the days when I have been especially fatigued, I have prayed for God's strength to infuse me. When I felt particularly cut off from the rest of the world, I prayed and four friends I haven't talked to in a while, called. Someone came out for a visit; messages came over the internet. It is not silly to pray for the everyday things that brighten our days. God cares!
The little girls keep me laughing. They have been thinking (a lot) about Halloween and their costumes. I'm not sure why costumes at Halloween are such a big deal to them since dress up is one of their favorite things to do almost every day. Elisa prefaced a question to me with: "If you're still alive at Halloween . . ." I was too astounded with the preface to remember the question. After I came from treatment Thursday, she told me that I did look a little older.
I have written the things above to say that dealing with this cancer, the treatment and the side effects of both does not come without struggle. It is tempting to just not care. It is tempting to wonder why should I care. Satan stands ready to steal my focus. There continues to be that nagging question of "what should I be doing?" And I am reminded of the words: "Be still and know that I am God." Being still gives time to really meditate on God's word, to consider what it means to "have no other gods before Me." Being still is part of my continuing journey.