Day 15 - Cycle 4 . . .
. . . brought no real surprises. I knew counts had dropped because of being short of breath and not being able to stand up much. The only surprise came in learning that both red and white counts were too low for treatment and platelets had dropped too low as well. Usually, it's one or the other or so it seems. All that means no treatment today and an eight o'clock appointment in the morning to get two units of packed red cells which should give me a jump start to feeling more energized.
This past winter a friend gave me a copy of Jesus Calling, a daily devotional book by Sarah Young. What a gift! This past week's entries have been especially meaningful as I anticipated today's scheduled treatment. I was torn between hoping I might skip today so as to avoid further fatigue and begin a much needed rest and wanted to complete the cycle in hopes of increasing the effectiveness of the meds. Some words from August 17 and 18 reminded me to keep my focus on God where it needs to stay. On August 17 I read: Accept each day just as it comes to you. Do not waste your time and energy wishing for a different set of circumstances. Instead, trust Me enough to yield to My design and purposes. Remember that nothing can separate you from My loving Presence; you are Mine. For me that means to accept the fatigue and not waste time wishing things were different. I already know that being in treatment until the end of October will mean having to miss a get together of college friends, going to football games to see Jacob march, to say nothing of the other usual Fall activities I love so much. I can moan and groan, focus on the negatives or I can trust, be anxious for nothing and take each day as given, believing that God truly will supply my daily bread each day.
The second reading is taken from the August 18 entry: Anticipate coming face-to-face with impossibilities: situations totally beyond your ability to handle. This awareness of your inadequacy is not something you should try to evade. It is precisely where I want you--the best place to encounter Me in "My Glory and Power." When you see armies of problems marching toward you, cry out to Me! Allow Me to fight for you. Watch Me working on your behalf, as you "rest in the shadow of My Almighty Presence." The list of "impossibilities" in my life is longer than I would like. Just when I think I have been disciplined and taught enough, here comes another one. But . . . they never come without the promise of God's presence and blessing. Just think of the Glory I would have missed without them! Tom's being diagnosed with Parkinson's as I was finishing the first round of chemo for this cancer, seemed to be the final blow. What would I ever do without him? Who would care for him if I didn't survive? Believe me, I had big questions. My independence, my stubbornness and absolute need to be in charge was difficult to stifle. Tom lived another eight years and we both had to come face to face with our inadequacies. He would never get better, only worse. I would live with a chronic disease that demanded constant attention to keep it under control. Here I am eleven years beyond diagnosis, still trusting, knowing that it is God who has worked on my behalf. It has been a journey worth taking!
Both paragraphs helped me prepare for today's verdict. No treatment. God had something else planned.