Once again . . . I have been negligent and dropped out of sight. The retreat in which I participated was exactly what I needed for renewal and healing. Finally, I realized just how angry I have been about Tom's illness and passing. He was such a good man! The anger wasn't directed at God, but at the circumstances and ultimately God. I have not feared for my health in a long time; I am content where I am physically, with the care I am receiving and have no doubts that I am in God's hands. But, I was drowning in the sadness and the loneliness and knew I had to reconcile my feelings with what I believe to be true about an ever caring God. Praise God. The anger is gone and I am at peace. Yes, I will always miss Tom and there will be periods of sadness, but God is greater than my emotions.
It took all week to rest from the retreat. When I got home Sunday evening I was both mentally and physically exhausted. My crazy cat woke me several mornings with her explorations and her attempts to get me up. She doesn't really want me for anything and ususally goes back to sleep when I give in to her. Getting up at 4:30 or 5:00 makes for a long day! I think I'll inquire about ADD or hyperactivity medicine for animals.
This week I have two preparations: women's circle on Tuesday and a visitation orientation for the Deacons next Sunday. I'm looking forward to both, but especially the Bible study on Tuesday. My Sunday school class is studying a Tim Kelly book which has a pretty good bit of homework each week, but fortunately we don't cover a whole lesson each week. Again, the best part of retirement is having lots of time to read and study.
At the end of the week I head to Jackson for the 50th reunion of my college class. At first I was excited about going, then not so much when my former roommate for two years couldn't come and I began thinking of all the memories of Tom being there would bring to mind. Now, I am once again looking forward to going. I wonder if those I haven't seen will even recognize me with all this gray/white hair, many wrinkles and even more extra pounds than wrinkles. Funny how that would have mattered earlier in life. Outward appearance was so important and even more important was keeping the inner self out of sight. I used to believe that if people really knew me, they wouldn't like me. Through the years and by God's grace, I care more about the inside than appearance. About twenty or so years ago I took a class on clowning at a recreation conference. Because of self consciousness, I was hesitant to relax in front of other people and was terrified when asked to be in a skit or perform. I thought clowning was the thing for me because I could hide behind the makeup and no one would recognize me. Boy, was I wrong! Clown makeup is thick white stuff that accentuates any and all wrinkles and flaws. It was very revealing. Clowning did teach me to let go and to try in some small way to make others smile. I won't wear clown makeup this weekend, but I will let people know who I really am, who I have become as a child of God. After all, that's what is really important.
I'm told the burgers are ready so I'll walk across the carport and eat my supper. There are times when it's nice to be served!